OUt of Sight. Out of Mind.

Written on the 18th of July, 2009

I took one big risk tiwce. And it's funny how I couldn't seem to take one risk that would show the slightest emotional interest.
He asked me and I didn't really find it difficult to answer with honesty. (Why do I like him?)
But telling him or texting him feels like betraying myself and everything I gained and learned the past months.
I had more than a year to think about what I want and more than a year to enjoy the company of friends and family. i was so happy and yes, there were points during those times that I wished I had someone special with me.
HOwever I didn't have the courage to risk personal and emotional security for something that is uncertain.
Yes I am a coward. And I can't do anything about it. Ell, maybe this is a lie.
I am scared of falling for someone and risking getting hurt again. I know getting hurt is part of life. But I'd rather avoid it than face it.
I am contented with what I have riht now. Security and myself intact.
But why am I longing for him? For him not to leave and jsut stay? From the start I told myself that I shouldn't let this "thing" get out of hand and be more that what I wanted it to be. Somehow it has reached the margins of the boundary I had set it in.
And I am in the verge of losing myself over someone that is passing.
I am confused as hell.
I've been telling myself to get a grip and let things go or detach mself from everything after he's gone.
A part of me couldnt wait for him to leave so that I could go on with my life. But another part of me wishes and prays for him to extend his stay/
I am truly losing my senses right now.
Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't concentrate.

6:33pm
When he leaves, I will become one of those girls who came and went out of his life. I was willing to take that risk. Now that i've given it some thought, I don't want to be one of them. I want to stand out. But I am too much of a coward to do anything. Instead I hide and act as if I'm not affected at all. (What might have been, What could have been.)
I guess I just have to see where everything would lead us. Or myself.
I hope I'd find what I need, want and deserve after evrything I went through.

I get pleasure from my source of pain.

After dinner.

When he leaves, I may never see him again. Should I take the risk? or just let things be and see where things would lead us in a year?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers.
I bit the bullet and took the chance. Risking my security and sanity for the guy I fell in love with, still in love with. He made me happy like any boyfriend should. We had a month of a long distance relationship. WE text and call every night. He was worth every single sleepless night I had the past couple of months. He was worth every lie i said. There were times when calling and texting weren't enough for us. Frustration sometimes kicked us to the curb. But then we had the chance to see each other again. ANd I was willing to risk another 5days of my work time for him. i just miss him so and its only right to see him dba?
And we did. We were so happy. We did the things we talked about on the phone. We ate out. We partied. We spent time together. WE were so happy. But then I had to leave. ANd things started to change. And he disappeared. Out of sight. Out of Touch.
And here I am, confused and hurt. A lot of mind boggling questions racks my brain to exhaustion. but i still couldn't sleep.

I say, bye LOVE-LOVE. for now.

Til Im ready.

when?
I have no clue.

When the world turned

I was living my life like I had forever. I was mostly on 16hour duty 5 times a week. I was becoming a workaholic. I was driving my mind and body insane with work. I was having fun. Until I met someone who turned my world around. It's funny how we had control over our lives and lose it when we meet someone "special". What this person and I have is like the song "Isang linggong Pag-ibig".  ha-ha I know. corny. baduy. but that's the reality. Just when I was so sure I have control over my emotions and life, he shows up and made me changed my mind. I am confused as hell. I am hurting. God knoes I didnt ask for this. I was perfectly happy with what I had. I am really in a freakin limbo.. I can not wait to go on duty again.. im gonna drive myself insane again...

My Life has a Purpose

Yay me.
I am a volunteer nurse. I'm not sure if I am allowed to say the name of the hospital since I'll be writing some things about my experiences there for the next six months. I've been going on duty exactly a week now. The first three days, I was a nervous wreck since it has been more than a year since I was in the hospital. And those first three days, we were just supposed to observe our staff and some volunteers since January and March. The past couple of days, I was on PM shift and I've been assigned OB-GYN duty. Dang. I have no freakin' experience except assist the doctors. But in the ER, the nurses have to do almost everything, even wheel the patient to their respective ward/room. I was able to do some things that I haven't tried while I was still studying.
I was a nervous wreck. I get nervous still since I don't know what will be the cases of our patients in the next days to come. but in a way I am confident enough to approach my patients and do my thing.

Being a volunteer is tiring, if not exhausting (especially if you think about not being paid). But I am just happy that at the end of each day, in my own little way, I was able to help and make the lives of other people easier. Sure there were times that I just got piss at them for being inattentive and stupid but hey, it's not entirely their fault that they're poor and they lack the proper knowledge. Sometimes they are just life's victims. At least they have the sense to go to the hospital and seek treatment, right?

And there are those patients that are just arrogant and "hambug". YOu know those patients who were brought to the ER because they were in a fight or was drunk and got in a fight and accidents. And still so "hambug" even if their blood is dripping from their heads or their stabwounds. I just wanna apply more pressure than necessary on their wounds till they scream in pain. Sometimes SOME people deserve to get hurt. I THINK. hehe

Anyway, I am liking what I am doing. In a way. I am liking it for a lot of reasons. A of all, I am not idle. I am actually working (without pay nga lang and its not exactly the best hospital but at least it's a gov't hospital.) B of all, I'm learning and relearning a lot of things job-related and otherwise.C of all, I'm meeting new people and making friends. D of all, my family are supportive of what I'm doing (since they were the ones who wanted me to be a volunteer). It's a win-win situation. E of all, I don't have to be home when school starts. I don't have to be in a constant war with my mother. This is like the main reason why I decided to be a volunteer.

I gotta go. I still need to prepare for my PM duty..

TA-TA.

on board

Rogen..
too tired to arrange the photos...
its our new hang out..hehe

Mum's Day

effort to the highest level just to show her that we appreciate everything she's done for us.

im glad she loved everything!

xoxo

On mum's day

http://superdaloidoi.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-mums-day.html

 

TOO TIRED TO COPY PASTE IT..HEHE

Boyfriend = Happiness?

Not entirely true.
There are/were instances in life that we are happy, even without someone to call a boyfriend or girlfriend. Having someone to call my own or just merely dating someone is not my oxygen or my water. I do not depend my happiness on other people. I am perfectly capable of making myself happy.
Yes, people have seen me extremely happy when I used to have someone. And people have seen me happy without someone to call my own.
A friend once texted me that he/she is dating someone. This is the flow of our conversation:

Loida (LC): I am hapi 4 u.

Friend (F): thnkz mam. hope kaw pod naa na para happy ta tanan.

LC: I am happy mam. I dnt nid a guy to be happy.

F: Ako gani mam. Happy ko na single pero mas happy ko karon. ahahahahaha

LC: Happiness is variable. its up to u if u chus to be happy with what u hav.

F: mas happy jud mam basta naa.

LC: Thats twisted. be realistic.

F: Kakita ko nmo na happy na naa ka karelasyon ahahaha

LC: happiness is a choice. u can be happy with or without someone. I dont dpend my happiness on oder ppl.

~ I am happy with what I have and where I am right now. Sure there are times that I feel a certain degree of unhappiness but it doesnt mean that I am completely unhappy all the time. For me, being happy is being contented and satisfied with what you have and dont have. Life isn't perfect.
Being single made me think about a lot of things. It made me appreciate what I missed when I was in a relationship. It's giving me time to think about what I want and my dreams. Being single means having ME time. and a lot more.
And I will not deny the fact that there are times too that I wanted to be with someone. But I still haven't found the guy who's worth risking almost everything for. I am not one to play around. I don't like hurting other people because I know how it felt to be hurt, lied to and taken advantage of. It's not a great place to be in, especially if everyone's in on you. And all you could do was cry yourself to sleep every bloody night hoping that each tear you cried would lessen the pain in your heart. And don't get me wrong, I have gotten over the last serious relationship I ever had. But Im still not ready to plunge into that world again.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS:
I found this hilarious photo of the people's champ, BTW congratulations to him for winning last sunday. It was the first time that I ever watched his game. And to my dismay, I wasn't able to enjoy it since it ended on round 2! And i happen to watch his after winning interview. He uhmmm speaks acceptable english now. A bit shaky but acceptable and understandable nonetheless. But I still think BOXING is stupid. hehe

Proud to be pinoy yaddi-yaddi-yadda. Mind you, I got goosebumps while watching Pacman beat the hell out of Hatton. Was it a right hook that introduced him to the floor and sent him to LOSERVILLE? What I admire most about PAcman is that he really studied How to speak BEtter English(better than before hehehe) I hope he would continue what he is doing. Maybe some joke messages have gotten through him and he realized that he ought to learn how to speak english better. hehe I can't believe im posting this but KUDOS PACMAN for winning and for the speech.. hehehehe

ciao!

if it rains, it pours

Happy labor Day y'all!

it's a 3-day weekend so rest up and enjoy all you working peeps out there.

Anyway, it felt like ages since I last posted here. And as usual, a lot has happened during my absence in cyberspace.

• A couple of Wednesdays ago, we went to Cebu from Manila. Five of us boarded on the 1pm flight and another five on the 3pm flight. The 1pm peeps had no idea that their baggage was boarded on the Cotabato flight. there was a minor mixed up at the check-in counter due to an arrogant mayor. So when we were all in Cebu, we waited for more than 24hrs and with a lot of pestering to get their luggage. Thank goodness we didnt lose ours.
  
• i had my hair cut, BTW. Right now, my nickname is:

i went to tacloban to take care of a few things. After they were taken care of, Diane and I went to Burauen. We were pretty much on the road that day. I felt like my butt would disappear anytime from all the sitting we did. Finally, we arrived to our destination. We were giggling like schoolgirls the whole time we were there. We immediately adapted to the place that's why when we left, we felt a tinge of separation anxiety. I wanted to hold on to the nearest electric post so as not to leave. but then again, I had to for we ran out of underwear already. :D

What happend there was something new for me. usually my mother doesnt allow me to sleepover. But then again it's not just anybody's home. Inspite of the mundanity of the place, pretty much like albuera but less in some things, e.g. streetlights, we managed to enjoy ourselves. We were welcomed with open arms and I wish we didnt have to leave so soon. The only Waray words I learned were:

-MAhagkot- cold

-Mapaso- hot

-bogto- im not even sure if its friends or brother.

And of course this funny reminder:

"Dire poyde maglabay ha basura"

----if you're Cebuano, You would have understood this as :

"YOu can throw your garbage here"

But if you're Waray, DIRE means NO.

• We went home via Tacloban last WEd. The people around us were amused because the whole time that we were conscious, we were giggling. A couple of people from the back of the vhire tooke pictures of us already.
• ---- A lot has happened to us in Waray. But i cannot disclose it here. it's not really personal but it involves other people. soooo...

April is over. They said summer has officially ended. Why? I wonder.

May has just begun. And it's time omce again for Fiestas. I can not wait.

ciao!

Home Sweet Home

Im back home. And Less than 24hrs my mother and I fought. yet again. Please congratulate me.GAH!
Being here is just so exhausting. I almost hate it. If it weren't for my cousins I wont survive here jud.

Goodluck to me!




xoxo
loidzmiatch




BTW.
Im back here in multiply.. yay me!
tsup tsup

uuwi na kami

Dumating kami sa Manila noong Miyerkules, Abril 15, 2009. Kasama ko ang mga tiyahin, pinsan at lolo ko. Andito kami sa bahay ng tiyuhin ko sa Laguna.
*Nosebleed*
Babalik na kami sa Cebu ngayon Wednesday. Mamimiss ko talaga ang laguna! MAhal KO ang Laguna! Babalik ako sa Laguna.

Waaaah.

-------
Now that I got what I want. A vacation in Luzon. It's time for me to do my part of the bargain. Work/Volunteer. Whichever.
Am i ready?
Of course not.
But I have to.
I need to.
I have less than a month to chillax. hehe
wish me luck..

anyhoo..
gotta go..


xoxo

Luzon Trip ii

April 17-19, 2009
To QC
Tita Vicky's in Sta. Rosa
Lipa, Tanauan and Padre Garcia in Batangas
MOA

Luzon Trip i

April 15-17, 2009
Manila, Laguna, Enchanted Kingdom and Tagaytay.

Canigao Island

April 05, 2009
Departure Time: 8.30am
Actual Dep. Time: 9:30am
Arrived at: almost 12nn
Destination: CANIGAO ISLAND
with: half of the clan

It was a first for all of us. we had a great time and i am hoping that we'd go back there some time soon.

xoxo

THE Ultimate way to Start Summer

March 25-26, 2009
Destination: DIGYO ISLAND
Departure time: 8am
Actual Departure time: 9am
Arrived at 11:10am

white sand. clear blue sea. scorching heat of the sun. beach is our bed. sunset. sunrise. starfish. shark. hammock. tent. no exact mealtime. no electricity. no fresh water. no parents, just brother and cousins and his friends. bags full of junkfoods. beer and tequila for breakfast.

END RESULT: Lobster skin all the way and a thousand memories to last us a lifetime. Or at least till we go back again.
xoxo,
loidzmiatch

Two Graduations and a Birthday in Between

Troy's prep grad.
Manoy Darwin's 30th Birthday celebrated with close friends and relatives.
And finally...
Zhai's HS grad. March 26, 2009.

MULTIPLY HIATUS

im not feeling my multiply blog these days. instead, im posting on my blogspot account: http://superdaloidoi.blogspot.com. you may add your comments there, if you have any..

thankz

xoxo

ps:

i may change my mind along with the changing of my mood. so dont be surprised if i'd post here again after a couple of days.. hehe

Bonding and Turtles.

Ennui.
March 7, 2009.Thanksgiving II.
March 8, 2009. Wedding. Layat with cousins.(Ill upload them next time.)

The Ordinariness of Rural Living

I was left with almost nothing to do last week. So I relieved my ennui with picture taking of a gazillion of nonsensical things. Once I got carried away, there's no turning back. And I am disliking the mundanity of my hometown. But I'm surviving it.

1,2,3 and 4: typical day in our place. Siesta.
5: We went to town to check if Tatay's session was over.
6: Manghukot. They were fixing the fishing net. It got torn the night before while catching fish. They were under the blistering heat of the midday sun.
7: There used to be a lot of fishing boats here. We call them Lantsa, Unay, and Sinsoro
8: One of the Mundane things we do, eat green mangoes with brown sugar.
9 and 11: My brother, Sasha and Raul. They were just walking. As I've said, I was bored.
10: Caught Sasha while she was running.
12: Thats me. Wearing the orange dress. It has become an everyday thing. Boating.

 

1 and 5: it was such a beautiful day. We decided to eat outside our house while watching the sunset. Plus it was Korkie's birthday.
2,3 and 4: The sun was setting. Twilight.

 

 

1: Diane and I at the terrace facing the road.
2: Tatay and I after eating a hearty lunch of biko, Sweet potato, gabi and chicken among others.
3: Mr. Turtle and I. Bonding session. Turtles aren't scary man diay. Until they stretch their necks to see your hand.
4: Daisy and I in the terrace facing the rice field and the manmade lagoon.
5: Me. On the bridge.
6: la lng.
7: I was trying to persuade Fr. Felix to give me the jackfruit.

We attended a wedding of a relative yesterday, Sunday.
1,7,9,10 and 12: Zhai was trying to take photos and make fun of us.
2 and 4: Bestfriends, Niña and Cornelia gossiping and drinking SMB.
3: Zhai and I in the Church.
5: What was he thinking? I wonder.
6: Niña and I inside the church.
8: See my hand right there? in the Left side? I was trying to tease tatay by pointing at his chest and making litik his nose.
11 and 13: The 3 of us eating cupcakes. In the church

Sunday. Dadaz in OC. COusins.
1,7 and 12: Zhai, Me and Diane.
2: Himantayon girl.
3 and 4: OOW to OC.
5 and 6: Japanese SLippers and Black Currant.
9 and 11: Cheers to being cousins for life.
8: Zhai and I.
10: Me, Zhai. Daisy, Jackie and Regine.

 

 

1,2: PArty like rockstars.
3: Diane and I.
4: the six of us plus Tatay.
5 and 6: Same stepping?!?
7 and 8: Sleeping poses. They were drunk!
9 and 10: pose lang.
11: I dont know what song this was.
12: eat tatay eat!

 

 

1: Outside Dadaz.
2 and 3: On our way home. It was freezing.
4: eating siomai and all those fried thingies.
5: ordering our midnight snack
6:on our way home.

I am resuming the Rural life that I have left behind 4 years ago. I thought I would never go back. There were times that I didn't want to. My reason was, I refused to subject myself to that kind of ordinariness. For I believed I was destined (har har) to live in the city. I never really fitted in in the usual sea of people living in this slow-paced life. It was a struggle to hide who I am from these people. Fast forward to now, I have showed them who I am and a peek of who I will be in the years to come. I am not saying that I will be that same person forever. I will be constantly changing. Physically. Attitude-wise. But It will still be me. But hopefully, I will improve and be the best that I can be. Whatever decisions that I would make the next days, I know, would alter the direction of my life. But I am hoping that It would be for the best. For my family. and FOr myself. I've never been so excited in my life. Passing the NLE was like the first day of the rest of my life. And I could never be more grateful to God and to my family for supporting and believing in me. ALL the way. I love you guyz!

Rainy Day

It's my Kuya Father's Birthday yesterday. We went to MacArthur Park Beach Resort Hotel for lunch. It was an intimate celebration. Just his extended families in Albuera and his mum and some relatives. I love Binagul from Dagami!!!! I can't get enough of them!

I wanted to be there because Kuya Father and I agreed that he will ask Nanay's permission for me to stay for a night in Tacloban with Shy. But I dont know what's gotten into him when he told on me. GRRRRR! He kept on teasing me. And told everyone that it's okay with him that I'd stay if it's okay with my two older brothers. Dang! I wanted to smack his head! good thing Tita Norma was there to stop me from hurting him! And they kept on bringing up the subject LOIDA. WTF! It's not my birthday then why are they talking about me?!?! It was cute at first then it got irritating.

Anyway.
He bribed me that he will treat me in Tac when Robi opens. He will be poor, I tell you!

har har har har.

Finally, I've been to MacArthur Park. the last time that I was there was like in Freshman Haiskul when we had our Coca Cola fieldtrip. Haha We were there for like 5 long minutes. The pictures were blurry. haha and it rained almost the whole time we were there.

I will do everything in my power to be able to go back there. hahaha joke.

Rainy Afternoon at the Beach

Departure time: 9am (meaning an hour after)
Destination: MacArthur Park Beach Resort Hotel, Palo, Leyte
Travel Time: 2hours
Weather: From Sunny to Scattered Rainshowers
With: Parents, Uncle and Aunt, Daisy, Diane, Lola Annie, Auntie Dian, Tita Norma, Baby, and of course, the birthday celebrant, Kuya Father.

This sucks

This post will suck.

~ It bothers me (a little) knowing that someone is still saying things about me even if what happened is part of the not-so distant past. I mean really. Hasn't he/she heard of the words "moving on"? I did. Maybe its time that that person does, don't you think so?

~ I have this friend-cum-cousin who said that church/going to church/being part of it is like being a part of a cult.
EXPLANATION:
A lot of changes has been made. E.g. You have to kneel during communion, and We hold hands and swing our legs (whatev.) while singing "Katilingban". Is it community in english? IDK. he said kneeling is like a part of a "cult" practice and it seems like we are going back to the old church practices. Maybe we are doing the old practices. But (IN MY OPINION only) I think it's better that we do. Churches are holy places. Holy Mass is the highest form of prayer. And guess what, God only asks us an hour of our time(in a week.) SO why not make the most of your worship time, right? I am not going to pour my thoughts about this matter because I am not trying to change the readers' minds. All I'm saying is that nobody is forcing anybody to abide with these changes in our church, it's all up to us. I don't wanna preach so Im stopping here.

~ I've been receiving and deleting a text message that says something like this:

Waiting for someone you love feels like eternity/But time flies by so fast when you're with the one you love.

Or something like that.
Thoughts on this matter:
It's funny how I walked so fast and kept prancing around the LBC office and Globe center while waiting for them to process my shits. And how I wanted to just grab the steering wheel because the driver was driving TOO slow. Actually, his driving was average. And how I cursed and rolled my eyes when passengers went down first before paying big bills to the driver. Oh how I hated them for prolonging my agony. I wanted to go home fast. And this toddler kept on pulling my hair. I told myself that all these is so worth it when I get home. And those were really worth all the crap that I had to put up with while I was in the city and on my way home. They were waiting for me for an hour. And I only spent like 20-30 minutes with them for they still have to travel back home. But that short period of time made my day. We laughed. We teased each other. We took pictures. And we made plans. That mere 30minutes made the top 5 list of the best gifts ever.

~ I tend to make mistakes on my birth month. And I tend to intellectualize why.

If it wasn't this, It would be something else.

I won't elaborate.

~ Where can I get a time machine? so that I could turn back time and undo some of my mistakes. There are some lessons that I've learned the hard way that I'd rather NOT learn the hard way. (above entry).

~ Have you ever done something that you thought you would never do because you are fully aware of the consequences? I have. I am (most of)at times cautious in the things that I do decide to do. I am the kind of person that doesn't want to have regrets (thus intellectualization). But I sometimes end up with more regrets than I prayed for. I am impulsive, thus the regrets.

~

I only live once...

Life is too short...

I tend to use these to justify my impulsiveness (or something).

~~~~ these are just some of the things that have been going around my mind. Im glad I got these out.

Oh how I love my sunset...
view from the town

My nephews watching the sunset..

Tacloban here I come...

again.

22nd bday-cum-blowout party and more

A blog made out of anger. An Unworthy piece of paper.

I realized a lot of things while I was spending my morning locked up in my room a day before my birthday.
1. my mother is a real *$%#%!
2. I've known No. 1 since I was a kid. I just didn't know the right term.
3. But no matter what, she's still my mother and I love her.
4. Passing the board exam doesn't give the right to say No. 1 but I'm still saying it anyway.
5. I am really passive-aggressive. this proves that.
6. I know I will regret writing this but I know deep in my heart i will learn a lot of things from this experience.

I also learned a thing or two looking back at my past birthdays.
1. Every year, it's the same situation. Me crying for not getting what I want and surrendering into passive-aggressiveness.
2.And every year, I kept thinking that it's gonna be different (I never learn this!) and as it turned out, it's not.

---------
Not having what I wanted gave me the chance to realize that what was given to me was what I needed. I know its sounds cliche-ish but it's true. I don't need new clothes but I buy them anyway. i dont' need tons of havaianas but I want them and I'm planning to buy my 9th pair today. I don't need all these material things but I still want them. they're my indulgence. But as far as my indulgences are concerned, i still know the far more important things in life. eventough I still need a little reminding at times.

THOUGHTS

>last night, i attended a Basic Ecclesial Community(BEC) meeting headed by Fr. Intoy. From his talk, I learned that whatever things that happened to us, happened for a reason. I've known that for awhile but last night it struck me. For example, I have the winning lotto number but i didnt made a "taya" for it because I don't do that. Not making a "taya" is a blessing in itself. How? Because if I did win, yes, I will be a multimillionaire but I will also be facing tons of problems. Or, somebody might rob and kill me or kidnap my loved ones.

>Ever since I could remember, that's how I see things. Every single thing happens for a reason. Even death is timely. No matter how young or old, accident or murder or due to disease or d/t old age. When it's time, it's time.

>I also realized that I am happy here. While I was still in college, I used to look for excuses not to go home. Right now, I dont even want to leave. Maybe I just feel this way because I am set to leave next month.
I dont know.

>I love my Manoy Gengen. I want to take care of him. Life has been sort of unkind to him. Partly, it's his choice. He loves me too.

Pictures

>My birthday wishes?
-To pass the NLE. check
-To have a good life. check
-Be surrounded by friends and family. check
-happiness all year round. check. uncheck. check.
-among others...

I dont always get what I want but I always get what I need. And that's all I needed to know.

A day in Tacloban

I passed the November 2008 NLE exams. The result was released last friday around 12.30pm. Shy was the first person to tell me the great news. I could't believe it at first so I called her to confirm. ANd yes, I did. We did. Almost all my friends passed. I am so happy and grateful to God. I'll be making a blog about it but not now. later maybe.

Anyway, I finally went to Tac yesterday to meet up with Shy and Jem. I was with Zhai. We went to Shy's very nice house in Abucay (Im not sure) and I was able to see and talk to Fr. Caloy (former priest-in-charge of Damulaan). Then we went to Rafael's farm which is ah-ma-zing! We ate there and took pictures.

Then we were off to San Juanico Bridge. I got scarede. i realized Im scared of heights. haha well, sort of. I got scared really!

I had a great time in Tacloban with Shy, Jem, Jo, Zhai and Tita Yrma. Thankz so much Tita for driving us around your city. It is a beautiful place. I really want to go back sometime soon.