OUt of Sight. Out of Mind.

Written on the 18th of July, 2009

I took one big risk tiwce. And it's funny how I couldn't seem to take one risk that would show the slightest emotional interest.
He asked me and I didn't really find it difficult to answer with honesty. (Why do I like him?)
But telling him or texting him feels like betraying myself and everything I gained and learned the past months.
I had more than a year to think about what I want and more than a year to enjoy the company of friends and family. i was so happy and yes, there were points during those times that I wished I had someone special with me.
HOwever I didn't have the courage to risk personal and emotional security for something that is uncertain.
Yes I am a coward. And I can't do anything about it. Ell, maybe this is a lie.
I am scared of falling for someone and risking getting hurt again. I know getting hurt is part of life. But I'd rather avoid it than face it.
I am contented with what I have riht now. Security and myself intact.
But why am I longing for him? For him not to leave and jsut stay? From the start I told myself that I shouldn't let this "thing" get out of hand and be more that what I wanted it to be. Somehow it has reached the margins of the boundary I had set it in.
And I am in the verge of losing myself over someone that is passing.
I am confused as hell.
I've been telling myself to get a grip and let things go or detach mself from everything after he's gone.
A part of me couldnt wait for him to leave so that I could go on with my life. But another part of me wishes and prays for him to extend his stay/
I am truly losing my senses right now.
Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't concentrate.

6:33pm
When he leaves, I will become one of those girls who came and went out of his life. I was willing to take that risk. Now that i've given it some thought, I don't want to be one of them. I want to stand out. But I am too much of a coward to do anything. Instead I hide and act as if I'm not affected at all. (What might have been, What could have been.)
I guess I just have to see where everything would lead us. Or myself.
I hope I'd find what I need, want and deserve after evrything I went through.

I get pleasure from my source of pain.

After dinner.

When he leaves, I may never see him again. Should I take the risk? or just let things be and see where things would lead us in a year?

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Answers.
I bit the bullet and took the chance. Risking my security and sanity for the guy I fell in love with, still in love with. He made me happy like any boyfriend should. We had a month of a long distance relationship. WE text and call every night. He was worth every single sleepless night I had the past couple of months. He was worth every lie i said. There were times when calling and texting weren't enough for us. Frustration sometimes kicked us to the curb. But then we had the chance to see each other again. ANd I was willing to risk another 5days of my work time for him. i just miss him so and its only right to see him dba?
And we did. We were so happy. We did the things we talked about on the phone. We ate out. We partied. We spent time together. WE were so happy. But then I had to leave. ANd things started to change. And he disappeared. Out of sight. Out of Touch.
And here I am, confused and hurt. A lot of mind boggling questions racks my brain to exhaustion. but i still couldn't sleep.

I say, bye LOVE-LOVE. for now.

Til Im ready.

when?
I have no clue.

When the world turned

I was living my life like I had forever. I was mostly on 16hour duty 5 times a week. I was becoming a workaholic. I was driving my mind and body insane with work. I was having fun. Until I met someone who turned my world around. It's funny how we had control over our lives and lose it when we meet someone "special". What this person and I have is like the song "Isang linggong Pag-ibig".  ha-ha I know. corny. baduy. but that's the reality. Just when I was so sure I have control over my emotions and life, he shows up and made me changed my mind. I am confused as hell. I am hurting. God knoes I didnt ask for this. I was perfectly happy with what I had. I am really in a freakin limbo.. I can not wait to go on duty again.. im gonna drive myself insane again...

My Life has a Purpose

Yay me.
I am a volunteer nurse. I'm not sure if I am allowed to say the name of the hospital since I'll be writing some things about my experiences there for the next six months. I've been going on duty exactly a week now. The first three days, I was a nervous wreck since it has been more than a year since I was in the hospital. And those first three days, we were just supposed to observe our staff and some volunteers since January and March. The past couple of days, I was on PM shift and I've been assigned OB-GYN duty. Dang. I have no freakin' experience except assist the doctors. But in the ER, the nurses have to do almost everything, even wheel the patient to their respective ward/room. I was able to do some things that I haven't tried while I was still studying.
I was a nervous wreck. I get nervous still since I don't know what will be the cases of our patients in the next days to come. but in a way I am confident enough to approach my patients and do my thing.

Being a volunteer is tiring, if not exhausting (especially if you think about not being paid). But I am just happy that at the end of each day, in my own little way, I was able to help and make the lives of other people easier. Sure there were times that I just got piss at them for being inattentive and stupid but hey, it's not entirely their fault that they're poor and they lack the proper knowledge. Sometimes they are just life's victims. At least they have the sense to go to the hospital and seek treatment, right?

And there are those patients that are just arrogant and "hambug". YOu know those patients who were brought to the ER because they were in a fight or was drunk and got in a fight and accidents. And still so "hambug" even if their blood is dripping from their heads or their stabwounds. I just wanna apply more pressure than necessary on their wounds till they scream in pain. Sometimes SOME people deserve to get hurt. I THINK. hehe

Anyway, I am liking what I am doing. In a way. I am liking it for a lot of reasons. A of all, I am not idle. I am actually working (without pay nga lang and its not exactly the best hospital but at least it's a gov't hospital.) B of all, I'm learning and relearning a lot of things job-related and otherwise.C of all, I'm meeting new people and making friends. D of all, my family are supportive of what I'm doing (since they were the ones who wanted me to be a volunteer). It's a win-win situation. E of all, I don't have to be home when school starts. I don't have to be in a constant war with my mother. This is like the main reason why I decided to be a volunteer.

I gotta go. I still need to prepare for my PM duty..

TA-TA.

on board

Rogen..
too tired to arrange the photos...
its our new hang out..hehe

Mum's Day

effort to the highest level just to show her that we appreciate everything she's done for us.

im glad she loved everything!

xoxo

On mum's day

http://superdaloidoi.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-mums-day.html

 

TOO TIRED TO COPY PASTE IT..HEHE

Boyfriend = Happiness?

Not entirely true.
There are/were instances in life that we are happy, even without someone to call a boyfriend or girlfriend. Having someone to call my own or just merely dating someone is not my oxygen or my water. I do not depend my happiness on other people. I am perfectly capable of making myself happy.
Yes, people have seen me extremely happy when I used to have someone. And people have seen me happy without someone to call my own.
A friend once texted me that he/she is dating someone. This is the flow of our conversation:

Loida (LC): I am hapi 4 u.

Friend (F): thnkz mam. hope kaw pod naa na para happy ta tanan.

LC: I am happy mam. I dnt nid a guy to be happy.

F: Ako gani mam. Happy ko na single pero mas happy ko karon. ahahahahaha

LC: Happiness is variable. its up to u if u chus to be happy with what u hav.

F: mas happy jud mam basta naa.

LC: Thats twisted. be realistic.

F: Kakita ko nmo na happy na naa ka karelasyon ahahaha

LC: happiness is a choice. u can be happy with or without someone. I dont dpend my happiness on oder ppl.

~ I am happy with what I have and where I am right now. Sure there are times that I feel a certain degree of unhappiness but it doesnt mean that I am completely unhappy all the time. For me, being happy is being contented and satisfied with what you have and dont have. Life isn't perfect.
Being single made me think about a lot of things. It made me appreciate what I missed when I was in a relationship. It's giving me time to think about what I want and my dreams. Being single means having ME time. and a lot more.
And I will not deny the fact that there are times too that I wanted to be with someone. But I still haven't found the guy who's worth risking almost everything for. I am not one to play around. I don't like hurting other people because I know how it felt to be hurt, lied to and taken advantage of. It's not a great place to be in, especially if everyone's in on you. And all you could do was cry yourself to sleep every bloody night hoping that each tear you cried would lessen the pain in your heart. And don't get me wrong, I have gotten over the last serious relationship I ever had. But Im still not ready to plunge into that world again.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS:
I found this hilarious photo of the people's champ, BTW congratulations to him for winning last sunday. It was the first time that I ever watched his game. And to my dismay, I wasn't able to enjoy it since it ended on round 2! And i happen to watch his after winning interview. He uhmmm speaks acceptable english now. A bit shaky but acceptable and understandable nonetheless. But I still think BOXING is stupid. hehe

Proud to be pinoy yaddi-yaddi-yadda. Mind you, I got goosebumps while watching Pacman beat the hell out of Hatton. Was it a right hook that introduced him to the floor and sent him to LOSERVILLE? What I admire most about PAcman is that he really studied How to speak BEtter English(better than before hehehe) I hope he would continue what he is doing. Maybe some joke messages have gotten through him and he realized that he ought to learn how to speak english better. hehe I can't believe im posting this but KUDOS PACMAN for winning and for the speech.. hehehehe

ciao!